travel lightly

happy

I love this man and our precious daughter.

today

• sight: Annie walking a few steps...she's getting there!!!

• sound: Annie's laughter whilst she helped me push the pram - she loves doing this

• taste: mango and green tea smoothie, mushrooms, and olives

• smell: white musk oil from The Body Shop

• touch: Iggle Piggle's red blanket - in a book Annie and I were flipping through in Target. She loves the kids show In The Night Garden

it all begins here

I am not bound to win
but I am bound to be true.
I am not bound to succeed
but I am bound to live up to
what light I have.
- Abraham Lincoln

It's a relief to know what is going on inside my body and not have to guess. It has been re-confirmed that I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and I was recommended to have my thyroid levels checked, so I had a blood test on Friday. I found out my uterus has gone down all right, so I'm relieved about that.
During my ultrasound scan a (calcium) kidney stone was also discovered in my left kidney and it's most likely too big to pass at 8mm - and I've been told you wouldn't want one that size to pass because of the pain - so I'm going to look into having it removed so it doesn't get any bigger - although I can control that with my diet, but I mostly want it out because of the dull pain I feel there every day. This is no doubt a result of my not-so-great diet this past year and most definitely from not drinking enough water. I understand my body a bit better now.

I went through a few moments of being mad at myself after finding out about the kidney stone, but then yesterday I let it go and accepted what was and felt thankful that I am still healthy. My body is a little out of tune, but I know how amazing the human body and spirit is and with my desire to feel fully alive again I will be okay.
Now, I am eating more like how I used to. Mostly veggie stir fries, salads, smoothies, fruit, flaxseed's, and all those goodness foods that make your body feel happy and energised. Until my body is balanced again internally it's still going to be a challenge to cook meals each day because of fatigue, but I'm going to do the best I can - and I know soon I will feel more energy. My hormone levels will correct themselves and my menstrual cycle will normalise. Thank goodness :)

Yesterday afternoon I watched a movie called 'The Bucket List', which is about two older men who are both diagnosed with terminal cancer. They meet in the hospital room they share and end up being close friends and making the most out of the time they have left. I always bite my tongue when watching emotional/inspiring movies with others because I don't want to be seen crying over a movie :P silly me. However, even though I was biting my tongue, I couldn't help but let the tears flow. It was a touching movie and it beautifully depicted what is most important in life - and that is; the ones we love and sharing our happiness together.

Today I called my mum and completely spilled open about how I feel. We had a good chat and she invited me over to her place and really listened to me and embraced me. She cooked a yummy meal. Annie took a few steps without holding onto anything. Mum ran me a hot bath and surprised me with lit candles all around the tub - It was the best bath I have had in a long time. A cup of chamomile tea (always relaxes me). Watching the Olympics together. Wise words from my mother. Happy. I am so thankful for this day.

un-slumping

"When you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done." - Dr Seuss

It has been a whirlwind last few months. I'm sad to say, my bodies tiredness affects my blogging enthusiasm, so I'm kinda struggling with this post. Whenever I am in a soft and vulnerable place I tend to retreat from the world until I regain at least a sense of balance. I always like to spread the positivity and prefer to sort out my emotions in solitude, but sometimes there lies strength in showing our imperfect moments; being honest and open about where we are in our lives even if it's not our best place. I am where I am, and I've learnt that it's important for me to acknowledge and process the emotions I feel in moments like this in order to make positive changes and continue to move forward.

I had a pelvic and internal ultrasound On Tuesday morning to check a few things. Basically, In 2001 I was told after a scan that I had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). At that time it showed I had a 2x2cm cyst on my right ovary and a whole bunch of smaller ones on my left ovary. I was told this was the reason for my irregular and short menstrual cycle. Now I have been told, because I never had any other tests done to confirm this it may not be PCOS - and also because I don't seem to fit all the other descriptions.

Since the birth of my daughter the days in between my periods has shortened to an average of 10 days. A few days before my period - and especially on the day before my period - my hormones are raging. I can literally feel them travelling through my veins and I feel highly stressed and emotional. I have my period for a week or so, along with crazy heavy bleeding, then I ovulate within 3 days after my period and continue to feel the overload of hormones flooding my bloodstream. After all that craziness I have a few days of freedom (up to 7 days if I'm lucky), and somewhere within those 7 days I feel more myself and chipper, and if it's a Wednesday I'll be in the mood to write a Wellness Wednesday post :) as opposed to those other Wednesdays where I would much rather stick hot coals between my toes than think of anything positive.

That's how it is most of the time, but not always. This time around, my period came on it's customary due date for 1 day and then it stopped and decided to pick itself up again 3 days later. It's completely messed up I tell ya, and I question why I have allowed myself to live like this for so long. My oh my, it's driving me crazy. I am always hormonal and can't function in my day to day. I've had enough of guessing what is going on. I also had my uterus checked because after my birth I had an immediate Post Partum Hemorrhage, meaning my uterus failed to retract down and I continued to bleed - and the doctors had to spend hours trying to get it to go down. I'm wondering if it went down okay. I feel it didn't and it's still quite big, so I am very curious to know. Something else popped up in my scan that I didn't expect and I am hoping all is well. I will hopefully get my results back by Friday. In the meantime, I feel nervous, but I am trying to keep my head in a calm place, because I know worrying is unproductive.

On the subject of tiredness; I can accept it, because sleeplessness is normal for most mums. It's my body being weak on top of the lack of sleep that I find challenging. I'm craving a different approach to my day. The best advice I ever got from someone in regards to parenting was: first thing in the morning, wake up, have a shower and get dressed, otherwise you will be in your pyjamas all day. I totally understand the importance of this and how much a simple act of showering and putting myself together in the morning can change the dynamics of my day. It isn't easy sometimes to do simple things like; doing your hair or preparing food when you're a mum, but I realise I just have to do these things.

I have really neglected myself, and now I realise what happens when someone forgets about themselves. And I truly get how selfless it is to look after yourself, especially when you are looking after another human being. You need your strength. You need to be there for them, you need to be whole and nourished.

I am in such a tender place. I've been on a journey, since starting this blog, of tuning into my body and heeding its calls. I still don't always do that. When Hany returned from LA he gave me the gift edition of Louise Hay's book You Can Heal Your Life, every page is colourful with beautiful illustrations. I smile looking at it and absorb all the colours on each page. It's a beautiful book and I have heard about it for years but have never read it. I am surprised Hany got me this book - especially at this time because it is so needed. I am grateful.

be who you are and say what you feel

"I believe I'm here to speak my truth and that's all I have to do. I don't have to make people understand it, I just have to speak the truth." - Anne Wilson Schaef

It's so freeing when for moments I let go of all the masks I carry around with me in my life and just simply be. When it comes to interacting with people, the best thing I can do for myself - and I'm still learning - is not dishonour myself - not suppress a part of me in order to please someone else or make them feel comfortable, and not be someone that doesn't truthfully reflect me. I think It's important to show an honest face; to the people around us if we ever want meaningful, genuine relationships, and also, for our own well-being. Each day I am learning to 'be', to not hold back, to not automatically slip into a certain role depending on who I am with.

I know how beautiful it feels when I am with someone and my walls melt away - allowing my true, natural, uninhibited self to surface. I believe that is what happens when we have a soul connection with someone in our lives, and I am thankful I have that with someone. But still, with or without someone we can feel that sense of lightness because I believe that is the essence of us. I want that lightness to come through more often.
It is vital to me to live authentically, to speak words that align with my truth, to stand up for what I believe in, to not compromise what I intuitively feel to be right for me. It's not necessary for anyone to 'get' my life, but it is essential that I live my life with integrity.

a few of my favourite things

Lychee liquor from Flaschengeist (Oh my, this is so good). Books from Amazon. The Amazing Race tv show (on tonight). Vegetarian lasagna (My recipe - was dinner tonight for Annie and me). Jakob Dylan's new album seeing things. Creme brulee chocolate. Annie dancing to music. All the bohemian inspired fashion at the moment (my absolute favourite...so good so good). Moleskin pocket size journals to jot down ideas and thoughts.

Links:

My sister, Jessica's Etsy store PixelPerfect. And, Jess and her friend Robyn' Etsy store GetFunked.

gazing through my lens

"The moment one gives close attention to anything, even a blade of grass, it becomes a mysterious, awesome, indescribably magnificent world in itself." - Henry Miller

I find being outdoors with my camera a sacred experience. I am much more perceptive of the world around me and focused on beauty - seeking out the beauty in my surroundings. Now I see charm in things I would of considered ordinary before. Photography shifts my awareness in a big way and I've believed for a long time; where we direct our focus has a big impact on how we feel.
I took up photography after being inspired by so many wonderful visual bloggers out there, and I felt it was a great way for me - being a stay at home mum - to get outdoors more often. Photography encourages me to go out and explore new places and even my local area.

20+2 good things

good things

1. Playing with my daughter
2. Outings with my daughter
3. My camera
4. Cafes with big sofas
5. Kissing Hany, and all our silliness
6. Those moments when I feel really light and walk with a spring in my step
7. Park swings (remind me of my childhood/where I spent a lot of time in reflection)
8. Organic sea salt and organic wild spice popcorn (obsessed...I'm always eating this stuff)
9. My hot air brush (what a fabulous invention, so much more convenient than holding a blow dryer in one hand and a round brush in the other - put them together and voila!...been using mine for 2 years)
10. Garden parties with friends and flickering candles
11. The scent of fresh green basil
12. Bundeena (great memories there)
13. Reibekuchen (German style potato pancakes) My favourite dish ever. Yum with apple sauce, but I love eating these cold, straight out of the fridge the next morning. I could eat platefuls of them.
14. 60's folk-rock
15. All the crazy sayings/words my mum and I come up with to describe things
16. Yummy natural bars of soap
17. Ferry rides to Manly Beach
18. Spanish tapas
19. Foot massages
20. These lovely curtains from Saffron Marigold :

two inspiring posts from this week:

a star experiment 

home 

tea hee

Calming green tea with jasmine blossoms. They are little pearl drops that unfold in your tea cup. Magical.

Can anyone read tea leaves? :)

easy peasy berry squeezy

Annie's first time drinking out of a cup with a straw. She did well :) She loves this watermelon and berry smoothie.